The Naughtiest Naughty EVER

Apparently, the Naughty Gene runs deep in this family. 

This entry is inspired by Brylan's cousin, Elliot (age 1 1/2), son of Alvin and Doretta:

10/13/12, Alvin: Doretta left yesterday at noon for a ladies retreat, leaving me with all the children. Elliot is just the naughtiest little naughty boy you have EVER in your life seen. I am at my wit's end dealing with him. He has such a warm sweet disposition. He smiles so nicely and sincerely at me, as he tries to stir the trash can with a clean spatula from the drawer. Literally, as I am typing this, he decided to climb up over the end of the sofa, kicking over the magazine stand in the process.

And now he is messing with the blinds, watching me, so that as soon as I look at him, he stops.
I had to pause and go change his poo just now. As I was disposing of his full diaper, he got a Cheez-it from Selena, laid it on the carpet, got a golf club, and is trying to shatter it. And while I was typing that last line, he got one of the red chairs, took it to coffee stand where all kinds of forbidden items are, and is testing me on each of them. He literally does naughty things faster than I can type about them!!!

The older two are happily watching a movie about two bananas in pajamas. But he is scooting his red chair over..... pausing for a drink from HIS sippy cup (that's a switch--usually he drinks from one of the others', which he knows he is not supposed to do).... and just going around to the end of the coffee stand to see if Mommy's cell phone is there for him to nab (it's not). So off the chair..... scooting it over behind the high chair where I can't see.... I hear the creak of a cupboard door....And he is now starting to root among the dry goods there. He got bored with that, so he got off the chair, opened the lower cupboard and is examining something inside it.

Earlier today, I was giving Evan a bath, and, of course, Elliot just had to be in the bathroom getting into stuff. In the past, he has opened the toilet and started playing in the water. So I gave him Evan's dirty undies and told him "hamper!". He trucked off out of the kids' bathroom, and I kept working. After Evan was bathed and dressed, I went out to the family room to see what is happening. Selena is on the laptop....no Elliot. And she doesn't know where he is (oblivious to all, of course). I went into our room and noticed our bathroom door was shut. I walked around the bed.... and there was a little fist visible under the door--a little fist that was not moving.

I walked to the door, and was able to open it just enough to see the top of his head. He was laying motionless right in front of the door, blocking me from opening it. My heart was in my throat.... in a flash, I saw various scenarios... he crawled up onto the sink and fell and hit his head. He got into the drugs under the sink. Or, he got some drugs, crawled up onto the sink, took the drugs, fell off the sink, and is bleeding, unconscious, and OD'ing on Oxycodone simultaneously. You get the picture.

I gently tapped his head a few more times with the door, and said his name. He started to move.... and rolled over and started getting up. I opened the door all the way and snatched him up. No bleeding, no substances coming out of his mouth.... just an ear syringe and an unopened box of gas pills on the floor.

I have to admit, I nearly started crying. You read about this stuff happening to other people, and I nearly had my own emergency 911 situation.

Then, I started to get angry at his mother. How DARE she run off and leave such an incompetent as me in charge of innocent helpless babes?? If she had been here, one of us would surely have stopped him from sallying into my imagined home disaster and near death experience!

Then I calmed down. There was no point in getting angry at her about anything..... it was just my reaction to the imagined near death of my son, that's all.

And while I was typing the above story from this afternoon, he brought me a plastic part that come from something in one of the cabinets. I took it from him and laid it up on the sill by the easy chair. He was rather attached to that little plastic bit, and has made several attempts to abscond with it, leading me to scold him and issue several firm NO's (firm NO's look a lot like shouting). He has been up on the sofa messing with the blinds again, and then has decided that since I keep scolding him and preventing him from fiddling with stuff, he will just circle my easy chair. The one in the corner that he has to SQUEEEEEEZE through to get by, pushing the air filter out of place at the same time.

I think when his Mommy gets here I might just go lock myself in the office and refuse to come out until humans under 5 feet in height have been put to bed. And maybe next week we will ship him off to reform school.

PS: Earlier, Selena gave me my ear buds that I didn't even notice were missing. She says that Elliot was messing with them, and she knew he shouldn't have them, so she took them away. The only problem is, he pulled off the little soft plastic things that let them fit snug into your ears. Who knows what he did with them..... I may find them in the AC duct one day.

10/13/12, Sharon: I can't even imagine how naughty he and Brylan would be together, because if he's the naughtiest naughty, then Bry is #2.  And he continually outsmarts us.  The only thing saving us right now is that he hasn't figured out how to unlock a doorknob lock.  Deadbolts are a piece of cake although they may cause him to pause.  And he can almost outrun us—sometimes can.  If only you could REASON with the boy…

10/13/12, Alvin: The little plastic thing that he got out of the cupboard? After I sent my email, I got up and went to see what he got it off of. It is a little grommet that fits into a vent hole in the lid of our fancy schmancy crockpot. I inserted it back in, closed the cupboard door, and took his red chair and put it away. As I was putting away his red chair, he circled around the kitchen island, silently opened the cupboard door, and had already peeled the grommet back out of the crockpot lid by the time I pushed in his red chair and turned around and caught him in the act.

I'll put my naughty up against anyone else's.

10/13/12, Jolene: Oh my goodness. I was laughing so hard I was almost crying. At work.  Seriously, I feel. your. pain. I would actually *love* to see Brylan and Elliot play together. Two naughtys make a right, RIGHT? I have to say though, it is nice to hear that someone else has a mischievous little boy!! Whenever I come in contact with other little boys, I marvel at how sweet and nice they are!

Today, when I was getting ready to leave for work, I heard a cracking and a whacking going on out in the living room. I went to investigate, and Brylan was using his stick horse as a bat and the lamp as his target. He had whacked it right off the stand. The other day, I had sat down for literally 5 or 6 minutes at Sharon's computer. I suddenly realized I needed to go check on him. What did I find? Smoke filling the kitchen and living room. He has developed a fondness for corndogs, and had decided that he no longer needed to get my attention when he is hungry. Why NO, he put the blasted corndog in the microwave himself! When I yanked open the microwave door, there was 82 minutes still left on the microwave and there was nothing but a blackened, charred lump on a stick that had melted a part of the plastic tray. Was I surprised, though? Nope. It's something every single day. I just try to roll with the punches.

Oh. This is another good story! Kris and Sharon had gone and bought two Very Nice recliners off Craigslist. One went upstairs and one came downstairs for Sharon to use in her recovery. What did Brylan do probably the second day we had that recliner? He scribbled very large bright circles with his crayons all over that poor chair. I guess he had to mark his territory.

10/13/12, Kris: Quite honestly, I am sure that Elliot's naughty pales in comparison to Brylan's.
Sharon cleaned out her office recently and freed it from all its candy.  I poured it all together and put it into a wide-mouthed mason jar and put it on the second shelf of the cupboard beside the stove.  I don't know how he discovered it, but he did.  He does not ask permission to have some candy.  He just pushes our tall chairs over to the cupboard and climbs aboard and helps himself.  

I delivered him from his misdeeds this afternoon when caught in the act--although I allowed him to have the sucker he had clenched firmly in his hand.  I then moved the jar from the second shelf up to the very top shelf.  That'll fix him, I thought.  About an hour or so later, I heard something suspicious, and so I went to investigate.  I came upon the boy just as he was standing there on the cupboard itself, stretching up to reach the jar--on the topmost shelf!

10/13/12, Sharon: Except the time that I found him it wasn't even one of our tall chairs that he used.  He used his tiny child-sized chair that is may be 12" tall at the most and boosted himself up with his strong little arms.  He was in the midst of a box of bite-sized tootsie roll suckers (without a stick).  His mouth was brimming full, and he was reaching for more.  Of course, he shrieked as I confiscated what was left and the chocolate and grape and tootsie roll goo spilled down his shirt.   He madly stuffed it back inside, all the while shrieking.

You just wouldn't believe his strength.

10/13/12, Alvin: The only reason Elliot would NOT surpass Brylan is because he is a fair amount younger and smaller. My naughty isn't even able to run properly yet.

I think the only way to get the naughty boys to stop is to ENGAGE them. I took the kids to Home Depot today after lunch, bought them a slide, brought it home, and screwed it to our back steps, and they played the rest of the afternoon. He was just as good as gold through the trip to town, and happily played outside. He goes flying down that slide, blutzes down on the ground, looks up at me, and grins.

I finally bring them inside to start the aforementioned baths, and the naughtiness starts.

PS: The other evening we had company for supper. Elliot was running around with a set of junk/play keys on a key ring. He comes around the corner into the dining room, heads for the nearest outlet, and starts trying to electrocute himself as quickly as possible. I was engaged in conversation with our company, and suddenly I am shouting NO NO NO and lunging out of my chair to get him. Not a very decorous evening.

10/13/12, Kris: Speaking of keys…  Brylan insists that the only thing that will get his little Fisher Price car to start is a set of Real Keys.  We had to come up with some real keys for him, or our keys would be up to bat.    And there they sit, dangling from his FP ignition.

10/13/12, Alvin: Elliot also loves to terrorize his older siblings when they have the laptop. He will come up and yank the power cord out. They holler at him, plug it back in, and as soon as their attention is back on the screen he comes up and does it again. He quickly backs out of range of their flailing feet and just grins at their shrieks. It usually takes parental involvement to get him to leave them alone.

10/14/12, Esther (aka Mamaw): After reading all your emails, I am chortling with glee!  Elliot doesn't hold a candle to Brylan.  I couldn't even begin to tell you about all his naughties.  The scariest things were that twice he pedaled his bike as fast as he could towards the road.  I didn't know this Grandma could run until this happened.

The Terrible "Terrible Twos"

1/9/12:  In spite of the mess of toys every  night, the pen scribbles on the couch and wall, the wails, and the tantrums, all the money sunk into pacifiers and diapers, the washing of the hair battles, and the "please, just go to SLEEP!" prayers, when Brylan finally does drift off to sleep at night, all I can think is I wish I could hold this moment in my heart forever.  The smell of his still baby soft skin, the way he tries to keep his hand on my arm so I won't leave him, and his beautiful eyelashes all just make me want to cry.  Because I know it won't be long before we will be trading in his pacifiers for soccer gear and softballs.  And before I can even blink an eye, my little boy will be a grown man.  This is such a bittersweet part of life.

2/10/12:  Does anybody realize how hard it is to do homework when you have an almost 2 year old?!!!  **pulling my hair out**

2/18/12:  He cannot take a normal route onto the bed.  No, he cannot.  First, it's up on the desk chair, which swivels, by the way.  Then, grab the bed post, put one foot on top of the footboard, grab the footboard with the other hand, and he's airborne, landing on the bed in a giggling heap!  What ever will we do with all his mischief and energy?  ~Aunt Sharon

2/25/12:  If I'd known he was going to get into that packet of ketchup, I'd have thrown it away a long time ago...  ~Aunt Sharon

3/9/12:  Sadly looking at the snow boots and gloves that Bry never got to wear this "winter."  I feel like I have been majorly ripped off.

3/10/12:  Well, the days of closing a door and latching it and counting on it to keep Brylan in or out or corralled.  {sob}  ~Aunt Sharon

4/4/12:  Trying to convince Sharon to let me get Brylan his very own puppy for his birthday (an outside puppy).  SO... a puppy... or a sandbox?

4/7/12:  Well, had a pleasant little birthday party for Bry tonight.  I love parties.  Unfortunately, I think I liked it way more than Bry did.  Although he did like his presents and his cakes!! I can now officially say that Bry has hit the terrible twos.  Not sure how he went from being a sweet, chill toddler to an opinionated, tantrum-throwing, running-away-from-mommy toddler.  But I do believe we are officially THERE. Gina Miller made Bry TWO awesome cakes that he destroyed.  And no, that was not part of the plan.

4/12/12:  So we finish eating supper and Brylan turns to us and says, "Bye."  We object, but he does not heed our objections.  He climbs the steps to the garage, his steps peppered with waves and "bye"s.  He opens the door, steps out into the dark garage, and, with several final waves, slams the door shut.  And then the door opens, and he grins at us mischievously, and we try to convince him to come back inside.  Another grin, and the door slams shut again.  "How long do you wait for him to come back?" we wonder, unsure if he can open the door to the outside.  And then... I hear the garage door open.  WHAT??  That stinker had climbed into Kris's car and used the door opener to open the garage door.  HE'S ONLY 2!!  ~Aunt Sharon

4/17/12:  Am I crazy to drive Brylan around till he falls asleep?  15 minutes of driving vs 1-2 hours of him fighting sleep.  Hmmm... some things are just priceless!

4/20/12:  How do you resist a little boy who shows up at your side sweetly smiling and holding his loader bucket up for jelly beans?  You don't.  You just turn over the jelly beans.  ~Aunt Sharon

5/3/12:  My life is far from perfect, but I gotta say, I am unbelievably blessed with two amazing sisters who put up with my imperfectness every day.  They have supported me through some very tough times, and I don't know where I would be without them and the rest of my family.  I truly love my life!  How lucky am I to live with my two sisters, my sweetie pie Brylan, AND my best friend upstairs?

5/5/12:  Brylan's first homemade popsicle

5/22/12:  I love being at home cuddling with Bry.  Some things are just priceless.

5/24/12:  You would think that Brylan's "blankie" would be one of his many blankets.  But no... it's mommy's 8 ft. fuzzy blanket that he drags around the house collecting every piece of dirt imaginable. 

6/9/12:  So Brylan has had a speech therapist for the last three weeks, and I am so pleased with his progress!! He has been learning signs for things like "more," "all done," "thank-you," and "want."  He has picked them up and has been using words more and more.  Proud of my little man!  

6/18/12:  My day has been a little crazy!  Bry has emptied not ONE but TWO bottles of red and hot pink glitter all over the carpet, which has also ended up in his hair.  I bought a kiddie pool for him today, which he has used to dump mulch in the water AND put my new shoes in.  I ran over my cell phone, which I have lost TWICE during the course of the day.  I need a vacation.


6/21/12:  Who knew that potty training was so much fun?!

 6/28/12:  Thank GOD for Grandpas who come and save the day.  I can definitely say that Brylan is in the throes of the terrible twos.  After he spilled 1/2 a gallon of tea all over the kitchen floor, and I found him later playing in the other 1/2 gallon that was left--amongst many other things that has left my voice feeling hoarse--I have thrown in the towel and called Grandpa to the rescue.  Now I have some mopping and cleaning to do.

7/3/12:  Well Thunderfest + 2 year old = disaster!  Why do I always think these things are such a GREAT idea?  We are not going in public again until 2014.  Just in time for him to start preschool.  Oh, and I REALLY hope that the family who stole Bry's $10 glow-in-the-dark sword away from him in front of our eyes tonight enjoys it very much (or I would be ok with justice being served in something like... a flat tire?).  All Bry could do was cry and say "more! more! more!" while I watched in disbelief and anger.  This is when I hate my nonresistance upbringing.

7/16/12:  Can't wait for the weekend!!  My family (who NEVER goes camping) is going camping at Dale Hollow Lake.  I have so many good memories there, and it's kinda sad because it reminds me of the carefree days when my friends in a totally different time of my life.  Walking down the dam, late night walks, fireside talks, and so much more that makes my heart smile.  But I'm HAPPY that I get to share this with my family and Bry too.

7/18/12:  I am one exhausted mommy!!  Bry decided today would be a great day to get up at 5 am.  And he's still going strong.  Is a tiny, little nap too much to ask for?

7/24/12:  Well, there seems to be a lull in the Terrible Twos storm.  Not sure what's going on, but Bry has been beyond good the last two days.  Singing and laughing all day long, he fills our conversations with a flurry of thank-you, please, I don't know, and I love yous. He gives me kisses all day long and will actually entertain himself for 30 min at a time.  All I can say is Thank Goodness!! Maybe I am doing something right after all.   

7/29/12:  So Brylan comes into my room and puts my flops on my feet.  He grabs my hand and we go stand at Kris' door where he motions for her to come too.  So we follow him up to the garage where he climbs into his cars eat.  We are going for a ride!  Help!!  Since when does the toddler get to call the shots!?  ~Aunt Sharon

8/8/12:  I love that Bry's favorite word is "thank you"!  It makes my heart melt.

8/8/12:  Anybody know someone with a 2 or 3 year old that would like to get some free babysitting a couple hours a week?  Bry really loves other kids, and I would love to find another child for him to play with.  Just inbox me if you know of anyone!!

8/30/12:  Dear AT&T, We are going to have some trust issues after that stunt this morning.  Dragging my 2 year old out of bed an hour earlier than warranted is unforgivable!  Sincerely, a Mad Mommy

9/18/12:  Today, Brylan and I were watching The Voice and Bry was pretty impressed with this one guy singing. He was chattering and pointing to the guy. So I said, "He is singing! Can you sing?" Brylan replied, "Ee, Ii, Ee, Ii, Ohhhh!"

9/21/12:  Gorgeous day.  It's a day dreams are made of.  I am sure that Brylan would agree since he finally got a sandbox!  Thanks, Papaw and Uncle Mart!

9/23/12:  Brylan and his new sandbox!! Grandpa will do anything for this boy!

9/23/12:  Thinking about taking Bry to Monkey Joe's this week sometime.

9/30/12:  Dreaming... I found exactly where I want Brylan to go to high school.  I want Brylan to go to the Carol Martin Gatton Academy of Mathematics and Science.  EXACTLY what I have been dreaming for him.  I want him to have the education that I never got.  Dr. Brylan Schmucker sounds wonderful to me.  I hope my dreams live on through my child(ren).

10/1/12:  Lord help me... Teletubbies have somehow found their way into our home.  I think they are the only thing worse than Barney.

10/2/12:  Bry loves to help Pa-Paw with chores.   

10/8/12:  Thanks to Bry, I now know what a corndog looks like after being cooked in the microwave for 6 minutes.  I should have known he was up to something when he carefully watched me microwave something earlier tonight.  He was quite astounded though when the smoke filled the entire house!!  It was so thick that I could barely breathe!!  #suffocatinginsmoke

10/12/12:  Several times tonight, I have found myself compelled [forcibly] by the resident 2 year old to join him in the living room to dance with the Wiggles.  He has given me one of his wooden blocks to wave in the air... and we dance... and we bow to our parnters... and dance some more.  ~Aunt Kris

10/14/12:  So the 2 1/2 year old newphew completely schooled his aunts in the Art of Feeding the "Goatch and the Horsh" this evening.  He knew exactly where the feed was, who gets what kind of feed, that the "goatch" get two scoops and the "horsh" gets one, that the "horsh" gets two treats in his feed, and where to take the feed.  He only needed a little reach from his aunts and some help opening the gates.  We miss Pa-Paw.   ~Aunt Sharon

10/29/12:  Insanity = Buying white shirts for a 2 year old.  What on earth was I thinking?

11/1/12:  Getting a little teary-eyed!  Already starting the process to transition Bry into preschool next Spring.

11/6/12:  What a night!  I was in the middle of taking a test online when Bry came crying to me.  (He has been acting a little sickly tonight, but I couldn't figure out with what exactly.)  I picked him up and patted his back.  I just really needed him to give me 5 more minutes so I could finish this test!!  He let out a huge burp and threw up not once, but TWICE all over me.  How do you even MOVE when you have that much puke on your clothes?!!  Now I am freaking out because the last thing I can do right now is get sick.  

11/10/12:  Once Bry puked, I could tell he felt soo much better because he was bouncing off the walls.  But it threw him off his routine, and the next night he woke up at 2 am and made me play play-doh with him!! and he wouldn't eat for a day.  But he drank a TON of sweet tea!!

11/11/12:  Wish I could stay home and play with my sweet Bry today.  Love his giggles, hugs n' kisses.  Such a funny little boy.